The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
