he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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