Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
