I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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