I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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