I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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