they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
