party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
