i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
