I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
