At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
