yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
