At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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