omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
