When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
