May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
