I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
