dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
