i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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