I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
