theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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