Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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