i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
