when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
