We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
