4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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