there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
