I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
