she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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