I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Drunk is not a location!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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