i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
