We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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