i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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