It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
you never un-have a 4some
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
