Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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