I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
