Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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