ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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