you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
