why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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