i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
