She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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