i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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