This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
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according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
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I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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