o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
