Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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