rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
