I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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