My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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