my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I supernannyed him into submission
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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