I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I faked an abortion last night.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Drunk is not a location!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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