i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
