Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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