I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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