we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
