her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
