I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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