I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
