Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
