I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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