I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
