I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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