Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
